This essay was sent to me by the Hospice program that cared for Mara during her last month. They send very thoughtful mailings at certain milestones. I believe this one was sent because we are approaching the 18 month mark since Mara’s passing. Gasp! This very well summarizes how I’ve been feeling lately regarding my grief. I hope another parent out there finds it meaningful.
Healed? by Ray Davies
It has been almost three and a half years since Marty, our fourteen-year-old son, was killed. The family still grieves, we still have the physical and emotional problems associated with the grieving processes, but we have survived.
The pain is not as acute as it was, but it’s still there. We don’t cry as frequently now, but we still cry. The days we could think of nothing but Marty are mostly gone, but we still remember him daily. The lives of the family members do go on, but there will always be one person missing.
Marty is still a big part of our lives, as he should be. Marty is the family member who has moved on to a different time and place, but he is still a part of us. As people and family members, we must move on, too. We still hurt and grieve, but we must accept the fact that there is nothing we can do to bring the person back.
We are once again members of society. Those who know us in passing believe us to be, “over it,” “healed,” “back to normal,” or any of the many platitudes used to describe someone who can function again. Yes, we can work again (most of the time). Using this criteria, I guess you could say we’re healed. You could say it and be wrong. We will never be healed to the people we once were. Changed, yes, healed, no.
We will always cry more easily. We will be more sympathetic and empathetic in dealing with our fellow man. As time goes by, I believe we can transfer the love we gave to Marty to those who are alive now and in need. Most of us have become much more selfless and now give where we could never have given before. Most of us, with time, become much better people.
Healed? No. Changed? Yes.
Perhpas because we have changed, we can now help to change the world around us. Our loved ones make a difference, now it should be our turn. We have had our needs, but now we can see the needs of others more easily. We must always remember, we lose nothing in giving with love.
P.S. The Sadie look-a-like in the last post was Katrina!