This essay was sent to me by the Hospice program that cared for Mara during her last month.  They send very thoughtful mailings at certain milestones.  I believe this one was sent because we are approaching the 18 month mark since Mara’s passing.  Gasp!  This very well summarizes how I’ve been feeling lately regarding my grief.  I hope another parent out there finds it meaningful.

Healed? by Ray Davies

It has been almost three and a half years since Marty, our fourteen-year-old son, was killed.  The family still grieves, we still have the physical and emotional problems associated with the grieving processes, but we have survived.

The pain is not as acute as it was, but it’s still there.  We don’t cry as frequently now, but we still cry.  The days we could think of nothing but Marty are mostly gone, but we still remember him daily.  The lives of the family members do go on, but there will always be one person missing.

Marty is still a big part of our lives, as he should be.  Marty is the family member who has moved on to a different time and place, but he is still a part of us.  As people and family members, we must move on, too.  We still hurt and grieve, but we must accept the fact that there is nothing we can do to bring the person back.

We are once again members of society.  Those who know us in passing believe us to be, “over it,” “healed,” “back to normal,” or any of the many platitudes used to describe someone who can function again.  Yes, we can work again (most of the time).  Using this criteria, I guess you could say we’re healed.  You could say it and be wrong.  We will never be healed to the people we once were.  Changed, yes, healed, no.

We will always cry more easily.  We will be more sympathetic and empathetic in dealing with our fellow man.  As time goes by, I believe we can transfer the love we gave to Marty to those who are alive now and in need.  Most of us have become much more selfless and now give where we could never have given before.  Most of us, with time, become much better people.

Healed? No.  Changed? Yes.

Perhpas because we have changed, we can now help to change the world around us.  Our loved ones make a difference, now it should be our turn.  We have had our needs, but now we can see the needs of others more easily.  We must always remember, we lose nothing in giving with love.

P.S. The Sadie look-a-like in the last post was Katrina!

Well yesterday we celebrated 10 years of being parents to one of the greatest kids around!  We can hardly believe it’s been a decade.  Seems like just yesterday I was delivering Max while Bryan was in the hospital room corner on pain killers from having an apendectomy the day before.  What an adventure Max has been! He’s been loving his new ipod shuffle and will be celebrating this weekend by going to see the new Percy Jackson and the Olympians movie.  Should be fun.

It was a crazy day so I decided to follow the Huish's lead and let Max decorate his own cake. He loved it!

Big brother with his sisters

I was busy with this all day (Katrina was sick too).

Last weekend we went to Jillian's baby blessing. Here is Sadie (L) with Jilly Bean (R).

Just for fun.  Above is a recent picture of Sadie since I’ve been told that I havent put enough up lately.  Below is a picture of  one of her older sisters.  Guess which one?

I haven’t just written to write for a while.  By that I mean I’m usually trying to journal things that have occurred in our family.  I decided to just write today just because I can.

First of all, we received one of the most special packages we’ve ever received on Saturday.  It was from the Huish family and inside were two gifts for our Sadie bug.  These were things that once belonged to their sweet Sadie- a sweet Valentine bear with her name stitched on it and a silver spoon she was given as a baby gift.  I cried.  First I cried angry tears that Zac and Tiff even had to think about sending these gifts.  I shouldn’t know them.  Our lives should not be so interconnected.  However, I am so grateful to know them.  It does me no good to to be angry.  So then I cried tears of sheer gratitude and humility.  These gifts are so precious.  We intend to have Sadie Adams know exactly why she was given her name.   Thank you Huish family for blessing our lives and impacting us so deeply.  Thank you for remembering our little Sadie in such a monumental way.

A few weeks ago, another 22nd came around.  The 22nd of Sept. is the day Maray passed away and any grieving individual knows how horrifying “dates” can be.  I have done my fair share of fighting with the calendar and struggling with anticipation as each and every 22nd approaches.  However, last month, I forgot about the 22nd until half way through the day.  Granted, I did not forget my daughter died,  I even dressed my girls in their Mara shirts. I just forgot that it was the 22nd.  One would think that this is a good sign and it probably really is. However, my mommy heart would not let me do anything but feel guilty.  Maybe this is somehow pointing to the fact that I remember Mara daily, hourly, nearly every minute really- but I’m starting to let go of the pain that’s associated with each 22nd of the month.  Or maybe it’s just a sign that I have a newborn baby, don’t sleep that much at night and I’ve been distracted.  Whatever the case we got through the day with much help from friends who never seem to forget, even if I’ve allowed myself to.

Speaking of forgetting, I forgot my sister’s birthday.  Allison turned 20 and I didn’t even call to acknowledge her.  For that matter, last Feb. I forgot my sister Michelle’s birthday.  I even talked to her on the phone that day and didn’t say a word.  Nothing.  Nice.  Last year I could blame my forgetfulness on grief.  This year I’m still claiming the grief but I’m adding post-partum paranoia in there too.  So to any friends or family who I have forgotten please forgive me and know that each morning when I rise, I already have 2 strikes against me!

I’ll post more pictures soon.

visiting the cemetary on Christmas Eve. Sadie's 1st trip to "see Mara"

The kiddos in the Christmas Eve jammies.

Sadie meets her cousin Jillian (just 1 week younger). They immediately link arms.

Sadie Mae with Doris Mae Rundle- one of the women she is named after

Great Grandma Bair with the babies

Natalie celebrates 6 with cousins and a pinata

It was very surreal to watch Natalie turn 6- the same age Mara was on her last earthly birthday.  How can this really be possible?  It is beautiful to watch our healthy 6-year-old and see what “normal” feels like through her.  She carries many of Mara’s traits with her as well as some that are all-Natalie.  What a blessing of hope and healing she is to us!